Chapter Ten
Training the Team
Earlier it was suggested that it is good to share the responsibility
for marriage preparation with a team. The team will need one or two
designated leaders and other members who have a range of relevant skills and
experience. Their role in marriage preparation is to be alongside couples
as facilitators. They need to be enthusiastically positive, committed
and realistic about marriage. While they may already have skills to
offer, they may need to learn to use them in the context of marriage
preparation.
Sense of team
The first task of the training programme is to create a sense of common
purpose for the team. Most of the time they are preparing couples for
marriage they will work in pairs rather than all together. However, they
will work to common goals and with agreed ground rules. These need to
be made known. The training process and the support received while
working are important in creating and retaining a sense of team, and
in building trust and understanding. Among those who join the team may
be some people who are unsure of themselves. They will value the encouragement
given by time together.
Team relationships
It is always important to nurture team relationships, and this requires
time. When the team is ecumenical, time is also needed for exploring
each other's attitudes and practices. It will not help to gloss over
differences, but it will be helpful to work in a team that handles differences
openly and positively. Such honesty takes a lot of mutual trust.
Self-awareness
In addition to the aims and constituent elements of the marriage preparation
course, the training programme will need to allow time for team members
to explore their own attitudes to marriage. Increased awareness
of how they feel and respond when their own dearly-held beliefs about
marriage, faith and sex are challenged will sensitize them for marriage
preparation situations. Time may well be spent in exploring how they
might handle themselves when dealing with delicate issues with couples.
Confidentiality
This is probably the most important ground rule for the team to establish
with couples. What couples say in sessions must normally be treated
by everyone involved, including those leading the group, as confidential.
This must be made clear to team members during their training programme,
and guidelines about procedures for handling difficulties should be agreed. For
instance, if there is cause to raise an issue with fellow team members
in discussion, the anonymity of the person(s) must be preserved. However, there
is a legal requirement to break confidentiality when the safety of children
is at risk.
Role of lay people, ministers and clergy
Both ordained and lay people need to be clear about their roles in
relation to preparation for the marriage and preparation for the wedding.
Both are important, and need to be delivered with care. So who is responsible
for each, and where the boundaries lie, needs to be discussed. Important
questions require exploration. Are some or all of the ministers part
of the team? If so, are they in equal partnership with lay members of
the team? If not, how will the team and ministers relate to each other?
Trust
In marriage preparation work, trust is exercised between team members,
between lay and ordained people possibly from different denominations,
between couples and team members, and among couples. Team members not
only need to be trustworthy but they need to be seen to be so, especially
in the area of confidentiality. It is possible that something serious
may be disclosed, such as unfaithfulness or medical problems. In such
situations couples should be encouraged to talk to appropriate professionals
who can help them with their difficulty.
The content of any training scheme needs to include guidelines on all
of the above.
Suggested basics of an initial training scheme
- Background
- Purpose of marriage
- Why a training scheme
- Getting to know each other
- Participating churches - who does what; who is responsible?
- The training programme
- Aim
- Structure
- Practicalities - venue, dates, times
- Listening skills
- Facilitation skills
- Opportunities to practise skills
- Possible problems/self-awareness
- Confidentiality
- Awareness of denominational views/practices
- Practicalities
- Contacting couples - what if only one of the couple is able/willing
to participate?
- Will the course be delivered to couples separately, or to groups?
Venues?
- Finance
- Feedback, evaluation, modification of the course
- Beyond the course
- Ongoing support and training of the team
- Further support for couples; attending the wedding.
In all of this there is the question of who will deliver the training
of the team, and who will run the ongoing support and training sessions.
If there is no one with the appropriate skills locally, it will be a
worthwhile investment to seek them further afield. An inadequately prepared
team may be worse than no team.
Although the delivery of marriage preparation may not always be possible
or appropriate on an ecumenical basis, there may be tremendous value
in an ecumenical training course.
Recognition in the wider church community of what is being undertaken
is important. Those involved will be encouraged by the knowledge that
they have the support of their communities, and that what they provide
meets community requirements. At a practical level they may need to
have the scheme financed by them. They will certainly need their spiritual
support in both public and private prayer.
© Churches Together for Families, 2001-2002
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