Chapter Eleven
It Can Be Done
What has been described on this web site is not just a theoretical dream.
There are places where elements of these ideas have been tried out. Here
are some stories for your encouragement.
Ecumenical cooperation in training
FLAME (Family Life and Marriage Education) in the Anglican Diocese
of Exeter regularly works with Roman Catholic lay workers from Marriage
Care in training ministers and lay people to lead marriage preparation
sessions with groups of engaged couples. The aim of these sessions is
to enable couples to develop their communication skills through training
in active listening, in how to share feelings and in how to handle conflict.
The hope is to raise awareness of each other's attitudes, values and
expectations. Leaders are trained to handle groups and to use a wide
variety of working methods, including exercises, scenarios and games,
to enable the couples to communicate better with each other. When groups
of churches wish to work together, the ministers do their part of the
preparation and then pass the names of couples to a co-ordinator (usually
a lay person) who acts on behalf of all the churches. Once three or
four couples are referred, the co-ordinator passes on their names to
the next pair of trained facilitators on their list, who contact the
couples and arrange to meet them. Sometimes the groups formed are ecumenical.
The success of the scheme depends much on the cooperation of the clergy
and the administrative skills of the co-ordinator. Regular oversight,
monitoring, encouragement, support and ongoing training is necessary
for the group facilitators. However the method does not create enormous
burdens for facilitators, as they usually only lead one group a year.
This means that they have time to follow up the couples in the group
after their weddings, and to attend the weddings if they live within
reach.
One network is thinking of offering its programmes to the local register
office, and another to a nearby stately home which is proving to be
a popular wedding location. They feel sure that such cooperation is
going to evolve and is a strategic way forward.
Some responses to training events for facilitators
'Everyone returned with new confidence and great enthusiasm'
'Enjoyable weekend'
'Encouraging... really useful'
'It has given me a lot to think about'
Ecumenical clergy cooperation
'My fiancé and I belonged to different denominations - he is a Roman
Catholic and I'm from the United Reformed Church - so our families weren't
pleased and we had some problems getting married. But his priest and
my minister talked to us together about how we would worship and how
we might bring up our children. They shared together in our wedding.
It gave us great strength for our marriage.' (From an interchurch family.)
A parish approach using a team
'We have a group of lay couples, led by a married deacon, who organise
and carry out all the marriage preparation in our Roman Catholic parish.
Some of these couples are in "mixed" marriages, which helps when we
meet couples from different church backgrounds. We see individual couples
in our own homes. We are not qualified counsellors - simply married
couples prepared to share our experiences. We provide the opportunity
for couples to concentrate on what marriage is really about - themselves,
their love and the spiritual context of their relationship. By the time
we meet they will already have seen the parish priest to talk in general
terms about the wedding and themselves. After their individual meetings
with us, couples join a group for three further sessions. The first session
deals with wedding day administration and legal form-filling, together
with an outline of our course and why we provide it. The second session
looks at becoming married, and focuses on the early years of marriage.
The third session is called "communicating together". In it we acknowledge
that relationships constantly change and that we communicate on emotional,
spiritual and sexual levels. The final session is with the deacon and
his wife, to pick up any loose ends and finalize the arrangements for
the wedding.' (From an RC parish.)
An ecumenical day course
Churches in the centre of Rugby invited all couples known to be planning
to marry within a year to a marriage preparation day. Their aim was
to supplement local church preparation with expertise and opportunities
that none of the participating churches could offer by themselves. The
sessions were led by experienced counsellors who were supported by an
older couple from one of the churches. A meal was included in the programme.
All costs incurred were met by the churches.
Materials used on the day included some prepared by FLAME, and videos
produced by Marriage Care and the Church Pastoral Aid Society. The programme
employed a variety of learning techniques, but aimed to offer a very
relaxed atmosphere. Some light-hearted exercises helped to achieve this.
Couples received a take-home pack of materials to stimulate further
discussion.
Contributing churches included: Anglican, Baptist, Methodist, New Testament
Church Of God, Religious Society of Friends: Quakers, United Reformed,
Roman Catholic.
Using an outside agency
A local ecumenical clergy team wanted to set up a joint day preparation
course. They discussed this in their own churches, but were unable to
get a group to plan, organize and run it. They decided to invite the
local Relate Centre to run the course for them. The small group appointed
to organize the day met the Relate trainer, and talked through the issues
of contract and costs. The clergy took responsibility for meeting each
couple before the course, encouraging them to attend it and offering
them the opportunity to discuss it afterwards, as well as adding specific
denominational input. The couples were invited to contribute towards
the expenses, and the churches shared the outstanding costs. The one-day
course was run by the Relate trainer, and covered topics such as expectations
and assumptions about marriage, communication, managing change and dealing
with conflict. The feedback given by couples was good and a follow-up
day is planned.
Some responses from course participants
'Our communication has increased tenfold'
'It brought the Church's beliefs into everyday life'
'We could never talk about sex and sexuality before'
Ideas for involving the church community
Some churches have found it helpful:
- to invite groups of engaged couples to a 'normal' Sunday service
for a general welcome and a blessing;
- to bless the engagement ring at a public service as soon as the
wedding is booked;
- to pray for engaged couples at Sunday services;
- to pay the church costs of couples who would not otherwise marry
in church;
- to help couples with the cost of reception or flowers;
- to put the names of engaged couples on the pew leaflets;
- to give each couple a recording of their wedding service;
- to give each couple a Bible soon after arranging their wedding
date;
- to decorate a banner with the initials of each couple and place
it in church.
Can we invite our friends who've recently married? They are having problems
and this is just what they need.
(from a course participant)
© Churches Together for Families, 2001-2002
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