Chapter Two
Being Realistic
Delivering marriage preparation is a serious business. It takes time,
effort, and a range of skills. No one, lay or ordained, can provide
all such preparation in anything but the smallest of churches without
feeling considerable pressure. To avoid this happening and to enable
sensitive pastoral care for couples preparing for marriage, the following
are helpful:
A team of people
More can be offered to couples if a number of people are involved
in marriage preparation work. A group of people can bring together different
strengths and form a team. Teams may include lay and ordained people.
When both are involved, it is important to ensure that those who provide
marriage preparation and those who conduct the wedding services trust
each other, and understand the contribution each has to make.
In choosing team members consideration should be given among other
things to skills and experience, age balance, marital status, and length
of marriage. Who is appropriate, and what is expected of them will depend
on the approach taken. The group need not be confined to one church,
and could be shared with others in the locality. Here is a wonderful
opportunity for Christians of all traditions to work together.
This approach may be especially suitable for couples from different
church or denominational backgrounds. Indeed the group that prepared
this booklet would go further and suggest that an ecumenical approach
would be beneficial for many couples. Denominational matters could easily
be covered in the couple's meetings with the person who will be preparing
them for the wedding day itself.
Such a joint approach would be a very practical project for a Churches
Together or similar group, who could also take on the training and ongoing
support of a suitable preparation team. While the process of identifying,
selecting, training and supporting a team may at first seem daunting,
the benefits, in terms of the impact on marriage preparation, are likely
to be great. Sharing the work with others will mean less pressure on
everyone's time.
Time with boundaries
When considering preparing couples for a lifetime of marriage one of
the first resources necessary is adequate time. In the view of the Ecumenical
Working Group a minimum of six to seven hours is required in addition
to the time needed for the mechanics of filling in forms and preparation
for the wedding itself. The time might be spread over several evenings,
or fitted into one day or two half-days. It is not an unreasonable investment
in a couple's future, and provides the space in which something worthwhile
can be achieved. It is important to agree timings, dates and frequency
of sessions with couples and the team before or during the first meeting,
and to be flexible and businesslike when doing so. This will help everyone
involved to feel more secure, as will the knowledge that a good communication
system is in place.
A range of skills
Any kind of pastoral work with people demands some skills. It cannot
be the case that 'anyone can do it'. Listening skills and the ability
to draw people out are common requirements for many pastoral tasks. They are
the basic skills needed by those engaged in marriage preparation who are enablers
and not counsellors. Every church has its own ways of recognising potential
team members and providing training so that skills can be developed.
If you have the people but they need to develop their skills, then a
local contact may provide the necessary training. Alternatively, the
information pages at the back of this booklet suggest the names of
people and organisations that may be able to help with resources. Here
again, training which draws on the strengths and resources of more than one
church or denomination will open up further possibilities, and draw Christians
together locally in a common purpose.
© Churches Together for Families, 2001-2002
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