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Chapter Three
Ways of Responding
In marriage preparation there is no 'right way' and no 'best way' - there
are simply different ways. The needs of couples and the numbers of personnel
available to facilitate determine what is appropriate. Below is a list
of possibilities that have worked well in different situations. Only you
know your situation as it is, and as it might be with some changes. Whichever
pattern is chosen, provide opportunities within, or between, sessions
for couples to reflect privately.
One and two
The most common form of marriage preparation over the years has been
a couple meeting with one person. The advantage of this way of meeting
is that it is very confidential, and may therefore provide an environment
in which difficult family matters can be aired. It can provide for great
flexibility in arranging meetings. However, it has the disadvantage of
depending solely on one person's skills and ability to relate to all sorts
of couples. Also the couples do not have the opportunity to learn from
the experiences of others and may feel the situation to be intense.
Two and two
A couple working with two people as a foursome has some distinct advantages.
There can be opportunity, which some value, for either partner to talk
individually. This becomes quite feasible and non-threatening if it is
part of a two and two situation. On the other hand, having two people
talking with you (still worse if they talk at you) can feel very daunting
for some. Even if the majority of the preparation work is done in some
other way, the possibility of inviting a couple or two couples to a meal
may be a very positive additional opportunity. This way of working is
less common because it makes even more demands on time and personnel but
it may be the most suitable for any couple with learning difficulties.
They could benefit from having just one other couple to respond to.
Groups
Many churches provide group sessions, either instead of or as well as
one of the above. A group session may include time with the whole group,
time in smaller sub-groups and time for individual couples to talk to
each other. There is much to be gained from sharing with people in a similar
situation. It becomes possible to provide speakers/facilitators to explore
particular subjects. Group activities, questionnaires and videos that
open up issues may be used without too much invasion of privacy.
While the relative anonymity of a group may benefit some couples it may
also become a disadvantage if it means that difficult issues for a particular
couple are avoided. The couples are less likely to build up strong personal
relationships with team members, but this approach may enable couples
to relate to the wider church community.
Mix and match
What seems most productive is some combination of the three approaches
above. Suppose all three are combined: a couple who come to book their
wedding are offered:
- time with the minister, or another individual, who will be alongside
them preparing for the day, and exploring what marriage means for them;
- a group, with facilitators, to join that includes couples planning
to marry around the same time. Group members may be from different churches.
The sessions may be a series of evening events, a day, two half-days,
or even a weekend. The couple's personal sessions can build on the group
time, and give space for any issues that it raises;
- an opportunity, alongside both those, to meet with another couple
- possibly recently married - who will provide another very informal
level of support and encouragement.
But that is only one possible way. Couples have very different needs,
and every Christian community has different resources. Flexibility and
sensitivity are vital if the principle that couples are more important
than the scheme is to be maintained. For some couples it may be more practical
to consider marriage preparation happening after the wedding. What is
needed above all is a loving, welcoming environment that will be comfortable
for the couple, and enjoyed by everyone involved. We cannot pretend to
provide everything. One of the functions may be to enable couples to seek
further help of a different kind if issues arise which are beyond the
scope of what can normally be provided, (or which are beyond the competence
of those who are providing it). What we can provide is the opportunity
for couples to experience being part of a welcoming and supportive community,
both before and after the wedding.
© Churches Together for Families, 2001-2002
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