Chapter 1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |13

Chapter Five

Areas of Content

The process of preparation for marriage begins early in life. Individuals who come to the church to be married, and who engage with a partner in a course, will have understandings of marriage learned from those around them in childhood and the teenage years. Some may have expectations of marriage gained from popular culture. They may have some unlearning to do! As indicated earlier, values and beliefs about marriage may have been informed by the faith community to which the individual or pair belong. However, for most people this will not be the case. When considering the content of a marriage preparation course therefore:

Remember couples are more important than the course. Begin with their agenda, the questions and areas that are likely to be of greatest importance to them now.

Below is a list of content areas that might form part of the process of marriage preparation. How much can be done under each heading will vary according to the situation, but all are important enough to be mentioned here. The list is alphabetical. Within each content area, except the first, the core topics have been identified. They are followed by other topics that may be usefully added, depending on the situation.

Beginnings

The couple is helped to feel welcome. They talk about themselves, their relationship and how it works, their reasons for choosing to marry each other, their expectations of marriage and of the course. Previous contact with the church is also shared.

Children

Couples explore the part they hope/expect children to have in their future life together. Create a working agreement about what is appropriate for them. If there are existing children, explore how the marriage is going to affect them.

You could go on to the issues that go into planning a family, financial and career pressures, planned parenthood, childlessness and, if the partners belong to different churches or faiths, their intentions regarding children.

Commitment

Explore the meaning of commitment and how marriage could develop their commitment to each other. What does it mean to give everything - and is that realistic?

You could go on to their understandings of faithfulness - is it just physical or more than that? For instance, trust - people in general, and each other in particular, letting go and allowing each other independence.

Communication

Explore whether they are able to be open with each other, to express feelings, and to share laughter and grief. When is it easy to talk and when is it not so easy? (Delicate areas are different for each couple.) Explore the difference between opinions and feelings.

You could go on to increasing listening skills, reading body language, making assumptions, the place of secrets.

Companionship

Consider the benefits of companionship and of shared interests. Think about the balance of time apart and time together. What makes them spend time apart now and how do they cope with that? How do they ensure time together now? Will developing personal interests that are not shared be part of their future pattern?

You could go on to the changes that will inevitably happen as time passes, changing interests, new ambitions, new responsibilities, employment and unemployment issues, becoming parents, illness and ageing - both in relation to themselves, and to their parents.

Conflict

No two people agree on everything, so explore how couples accept and resolve differences of opinion, e.g. over use of money. Include 'giving way', 'backing down', 'agreeing to differ', 'avoiding the issues', irritability and anger. Note the importance of sharing and expressing feelings.

You could go on to being wrong and admitting it, experiences of forgiving and being forgiven, compatibility and incompatibility.

Family culture

The way things are done in one home is different from the way they are done in the next, so explore their own family stories and practices, e.g. how birthdays or Christmas were celebrated and how they might be celebrated after marriage. Discuss family values and the religious culture of the home.

You could go on to changing and developing relationships with parents and in-laws, leaving the nest, issues of social class, race and gender.

Family role models

Explore the different experiences of family that partners had in their families of origin - parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, single parents. What are the strengths and weaknesses they have observed of their different family experiences? How are they working out the roles that feel appropriate for them?

You could go on to being able to be different in the face of family pressures, the models they prefer, issues of compromise, handling the stresses within the marriages of their parents.

God's love and grace

The personal nature of the wedding service in which the couple forge their union before God - a blessing on two people who are committing themselves to each other for life. Their mutual love and God's love for them - how do they experience God in all this?

You could go on to individual relationships with God, their faith journeys, prayer and praying together, the meaning their respective churches or faiths give to marriage, respecting differences in issues of faith and practice, involvement with the Christian Church, if any, beliefs about basic life questions and their implications for practical issues, e.g. illness and death, wills, organ donation, childlessness, the problems and joys of belonging to different faith/church backgrounds.

Needs

Explore what couples need and want from their marriages; what they offer to each other and what they would like to receive from their partners. In what ways will marriage improve their lives?

You could go on to whether their assumptions are always right, the pressure of expectations on each other, what they see as the purpose of marriage.

Roles

Consider the roles that each expects to play in the home. Do expectations differ and, if so, from where do the role expectations come? Agree some roles, e.g. who will be responsible primarily for budgeting.

You could go on to flexibility as family circumstances change, paid employment and unemployment, money and values relating to its use - who is the spender and who is the saver, parenting.

Sex

Make time to talk about male and female; expectations of each other, perhaps drawn from the media; sexual attraction - affirming the goodness of God's gift, and exploring what it gives to their relationships. Encourage partners to learn from each other and to develop a climate in which they can talk about sexual matters.

You could go on to what intimacy of any kind means to the couple(s) - for some couples there are important questions in this area, evolving sexual needs, romance and passion, finding specialist help if required.

Ups and downs

Relationships have their ups and downs. Emphasise the normality of swings in relationships and the importance of distinguishing fantasies from realities. Explore how stress and petty irritations might affect the relationship and how they might be handled.

You could go on to ways of sharing concerns, identifying and using outside sources of help.

Faced with so many possible content areas it may be difficult to know where to start. It is probably best to begin with those content areas that will strengthen and build up the couple's relationship now - communication, commitment and handling conflict. (Most published course materials include such content.) With skills and knowledge in these areas, couples will be better able to cope with change and crises in the future. The next chapter is offered as one way into marriage preparation.