Chapter 1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |13

Chapter Seven

Special Considerations

Everyone brings personal 'baggage' to a marriage. Part of the fun of becoming a couple is unpacking that baggage, a process that can continue throughout the relationship. For example, assumptions about how to be parents, which chiefly come from each one's childhood experiences, may only surface when there is a child in the cot.

Among the baggage there may be some items that could raise special concerns for those providing marriage preparation. It would be quite wrong to label them simply as 'problems', although sometimes that may be a very accurate description. In order to honour the uniqueness of every couple, those responsible for marriage preparation need to be alert so that they become aware of any special situations or issues which a couple may face. In some situations, it is simply a matter of handling particular topics sensitively, and giving them space to explore issues that are not relevant to the majority. In others, it may be a matter of pointing them in the direction of further sources of help and information. Some useful addresses are provided.

The following list of sensitive situations is in alphabetical order. It is not exhaustive, but it does focus attention on some important issues.

Abuse

Increasingly society is aware of the number of people who have suffered childhood neglect and abuse - physical, emotional, mental or sexual. The wounds caused by abuse often manifest themselves much later in life, when something else that may be entirely good triggers the bad memories. If this appears to be an issue, it is important that partners have shared it in whatever way they find possible, and that they have the opportunity for professional help if necessary. Abuse occurs later in life as well, and scars from abuse by former partners or others may be clouding the happiness of someone approaching marriage.

We do no service to people by attempting to cope with issues beyond our competence. Everyone involved in marriage preparation should know their limitations, and be aware of sources of help.
Ecumenical Working Group

Age

There are issues that relate to age: those specific to older couples; those relating to very young couples; those faced by couples with a wide age gap.

Older people may have difficulty in adjusting to change or they may expect a new marriage to work like a previous one. They may have different expectations about sex or about family responsibilities. Children and grandchildren of earlier marriages sometimes do not welcome a new partner with open arms. All these issues may need attention in the couple's preparation for marriage.

The very young may have extra pressures from family as well, and may find it hard to get the balance of independence right. So asking for help may be difficult and yet very necessary. If they have a child, they may feel they are losing out on their youth and freedom.

When there is a large age difference between partners, there are yet other areas of concern. They also may be receiving mixed messages from family and friends.

Culture

There are some obvious issues that arise when people come from different countries. Every country has its own distinctive culture, which includes attitudes to marriage, sex and family. The same will be true in some respects of couples marrying across cultural differences within one nation. That may include people from different regions, different socio-economic, religious and educational backgrounds. Those who marry into the culture of a particular profession may have specific issues to explore, e.g. those who marry a farmer, a nurse, a soldier or a minister of religion need to understand what demands the jobs make on them as a couple. Shift work and long commuter journeys also influence the development of home and family life.

Disability

Since disability is such a wide concept, covering a huge range of human experience, it is difficult to know when it becomes a specific issue. But when people marry someone with a progressive illness, or with a major disability, the couple needs to think things through carefully. As with so many other issues, there may be family attitudes with which to cope. People with moderate or severe learning disabilities may require a different approach to marriage preparation: the content remains the same. Some people with physical disabilities may require special help with sexual issues. This is available through specific self-help groups and other agencies.

Faith

Partners from different Christian traditions or other faiths will have some extra questions to face, whether or not they are personally practising the faith in which they were nurtured. Family attitudes are again significant, and the couple will have various decisions to make about the way in which they will relate to the communities from which they come. If one partner practises faith and the other does not, or has none, there will be things better faced earlier rather than later. They must both understand the assumptions the other may be making about how faith may be practised after marriage and agree their real and practical intentions.

Living together

The majority of couples getting married today have lived together and/or had a sexual relationship prior to the wedding. It is important to look at what the wedding means in their total life story, and to consider how they think it will affect their relationship, if at all. Those planning marriage preparation sessions may find that it will be helpful to include an element of marriage enrichment as well as marriage preparation.

Second marriages

The first marriage may have ended with death or divorce. If so, there will be memories in all cases, both bad and good. After any significant loss, it is important that the grieving process is worked through. This is especially so for those who may want to marry for a second time, and for their new partners. Attention needs to be given to: how they will acknowledge the past without its becoming a threat to the new relationship; how divorce has been dealt with; how much of the story has been shared; continuing issues and problems, e.g. maintenance and access to children. If one partner has been married previously or lived in a long-term relationship, and the other has not, their different expectations and perceptions of marriage may need careful attention. Should there be children from previous relationships, there will be important issues of step-parenting to address. The children themselves deserve careful preparation for their parent's new marriage. There may also be questions about grandparents and new step-grandparents to address.

Although this section is headed 'second marriages', many of the issues will apply to those who have lived in previous long-term cohabiting relationships.