Chapter Two
Particular Issues for Stepfamilies
Pretending there will be no problems
'Problems only happen in other people's families. We are very much in
love. Everything will be fine.' Statistically, stepfamilies can be a risky
business. They have particular difficulties to face. Some stepfamilies
function very well, but generally it helps to face up to the potential
problems rather than pretend they are not there. That is why at least
some of the issues should be addressed during marriage preparation.
The past
All couples coming for marriage bring their past with them. In a marriage
where there are children from a previous relationship, that past will
include the fact there has been at least one previous partner, whose influence
will continue. This is true whether a previous marriage ended with death
or divorce. There will be pain from the past relationship and how it ended.
There may be very specific practical implications. Children will be conscious
of feelings towards the previous partner, their parent.
Guilt often continues to play an important part in stepfamily life. Parents
can feel guilty about the damage done to their children by the breakdown
of a previous relationship. Children can feel guilty about their responsibility
for their parent's absence - was it my fault?
It is important that the past has been dealt with as far as possible,
and that people are not entering a new relationship too soon or on the
rebound. It is also important that it will be possible for people to
express and talk about their feelings once the new family is in operation.
But we are in love....
This may be true for the couple. Otherwise, they would not be contemplating
marriage. But what about the children? They have not chosen their parent's
new partner. They may wish the new partner was not there. Why cannot things
go back to how they were? The new partner is a sign that things have gone
past the point of no return. There may be resentment or jealousy. Certainly,
love between child and step-parent cannot be taken for granted. It may
or may not develop. A good start would be for them to try to be friends.
Then, do good things together. Make time and space to work on the relationships.
As for the couple's relationship, it is important to consider how this
will be encouraged to grow. There may be a honeymoon - but this couple
will not have an early period of years without children. Right from the
start, children are part of the family, and they can (and probably will)
be very demanding. How well the stepfamily functions will depend to a
great extent on how the adults feel about it, and how far their own needs
are being met. How will the couple make time and space for their own relationship
to grow?
Instant parenthood
It may be that one of the people getting married has not been married
before and has to become an instant parent. Taking on a ready-made family
has its attractions, but also its challenges. On a personal level it may
not be easy to adapt to the lack of privacy and relative peace which the
change from singleness to stepfamily life brings. Trying to learn how
to be a parent at the same time as being a wife or husband is hard going.
There needs to be space for the development of both kinds of relationship.
Ongoing contact with ex-partners
Particularly where there has been a painful divorce, people might wish
for a clean break with the past and a new start. However, the ex-partner
will continue to be important. After divorce, children generally need
to be able to continue to see their parent (and other members of that
parent's family). Maintaining a reasonable relationship with the ex-partner
and encouraging children to continue their relationship can be one of
the main pointers to likely success in a stepfamily. How is this going
to be achieved? What agreements and arrangements have been made, and how
will they be made in the future?
How we do things ....
Family customs and traditions are important for family identity. In a
stepfamily, two previous traditions are brought together. It is important
to think through what will happen in the future. Will Christmas be celebrated
according to the tradition of his or her previous family - or will a totally
new tradition be created? In stepfamilies where some or all of the members
are committed to a particular church or other faith tradition, it is important
to think through the implications. How will we pray together? Which church(es)
will we attend? Shall we commit ourselves to one tradition or continue
our involvement in two? (The CTE's Churches Together in Marriage
is particularly helpful where there are marriages between members of different
churches.)
An added complication for many stepfamilies is that the children will
continue to experience different ways of doing things. What happens and
what is expected at the weekend or half-term, when they visit the parent
they don't usually live with, may be very different from what happens or
is expected the rest of the time. How will this be handled?
A particular issue may be discipline. Step-parents cannot just arrive
in a family and start handing out orders. It is probably best, at first,
for the children's birth parent to continue to be responsible for matters
of discipline. These can gradually be shared, and it is always helpful
for the new partner to be seen to back the other up. Eventually, when
the new partner has earned their place in the children's affections, they
will also be able to be involved in discipline matters. Have the couple
discussed this?
Where to live
Is the family moving to a new home, or is one person going to move into
the home of the other? There can be important issues here. To move into
someone else's home can feel very much like trying to take over someone
else's place. Many stepfamilies find it easier to create a new family
atmosphere in new surroundings. It is a new start for everyone.
Names
What surname(s) will be used in the stepfamily? Will both adults adopt
the same one? Will the children keep their previous surname? Though this
may sound a 'messy' solution, it is a sign that the past is not being
denied. It is an immediate pointer to the fact that this is a stepfamily.
The use of names needs clarifying with schools and other relevant external
people.
What will children call their new step-parent? To insist on 'Mum' or
'Dad' can be a mistake, particularly when children are very conscious
of wanting to retain their relationship with their 'real' Mum or Dad.
Some stepfamilies use first names, others use titles like 'Aunt', 'Uncle',
'Stepmum', 'Stepdad'. Others very happily use 'Mum' or 'Dad'. Let the
children decide.
Money matters
There are all kinds of complicated financial issues for stepfamilies.
Will both partners be working? Is there money coming in from an ex-partner
towards the maintenance of the children? Is there money going out towards
the maintenance of an ex-partner or children from a previous relationship?
What will happen if one of the partners dies? Wills become even more
important in stepfamilies than in other families, to ensure future provision
for children whose circumstances differ from each other according to who
else are the important adults in their lives. (The Parentline Plus publication
Where there's a will, there's a way: Making a will in a stepfamily
is very useful.)
As well as making financial provision, a will can deal with guardianship
of children in the event of the death of a parent or step-parent.
© Churches Together for Families, 2001-2002
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