Chapter Three
What About the Children?
Children are part of the scene right from the start in a stepfamily.
They may be seen as a plus or a minus (and their influence will probably
be a bit of both!) The couple have been brought together by their own
love for each other, and must continue to give time and space for this
to grow. It will not help if the guilt of one or the desire to please
on the part of the other mean they become slaves to the children's every
whim or fancy. But it is clearly important, right from the start, to
think about the children in this new family set-up.
Whose children are they? Yours...? Mine...? Ours...? His...?
This is an important question. In the new stepfamily there may be children
from the previous relationship(s) of the man or the woman or both. They
may be going to live in the stepfamily full- or part-time. Sometimes,
step-parents legally adopt their stepchildren. (This has its complications,
especially where stepchildren want and are able to maintain good ongoing
links with both birth parents, but it does express the permanence of
the new family arrangement.) There may also be (or there may be in the
future) children of this new relationship. So a stepfamily can be very
complicated, with children from a variety of parents, sharing in the
life of the stepfamily in different ways.
At times it can be tempting to blame all the problems of stepfamily
life on the aspects of the ex-partner which are now showing themselves
in the personalities of the children. There may be some truth in this
- but beware! How will it be handled?
Of course, the truth is that children are not the possession of their
parents. They are not really yours, mine, ours, his or hers. They are
their own people, with their own lives to live.
Who is this family?
Many stepfamilies change from day to day in terms of who is around
and to be taken into account. There are some members who are there all
of the time; others who are there most of the time; some who are there
regularly but briefly; others who are occasional visitors. This ever-changing
family can be challenging, both logistically and emotionally.
Stepsibling relationships
As each child comes into or leaves the family setting it is important
to think how it feels for them and how their presence changes things
for everyone else. For example, do they become the oldest child (or
the oldest girl or boy)? How will any child who has now been displaced
as the oldest feel?
In the new home and family, does each child have space to call their
own, even if they only visit for occasional weekends? Where are their
things kept?
Making time and space for each child
Children are individuals and it is important that each one is given
time and space on their own, sometimes by both parents together and
sometimes by each parent separately. Stepfamilies often contain quite
a few children and the parents may breathe a sigh of relief when the
children seem to be getting on all right, and leave them to it. Obviously,
it is important to let the stepsibling relationships grow - but in a
hectic stepfamily each child also needs their own space and their own
moments with their parents or step-parents.
Influence of absent parents
This will normally be very important from a child's point of view.
After divorce, it is important to encourage the relationship to continue
unless there are very good reasons not to. This may create logistic
difficulties, but the inconvenience is not a good reason to deprive
children of their relationship with their parent. After death, there
may be a tendency to idealize the deceased parent. Whether following
death or divorce, a new step-parent's role will normally be to make
it quite clear they are not trying to replace the child's parent. They
come as a new caring adult, in their own right. They will continue to
respect the children's feelings for their parents.
Who else is in my family?
The network of relationships in stepfamilies can become very complicated.
It is important to help children sort these out, discover how they relate
to new people and continue to relate to ones who have been important
in the past. How will the children be introduced to their new close
and distant relations? How will contact be kept with relations to whom
the children are linked through the ex-partner?
Including the children right from the start
Wherever possible, it is going to be important for the stepfamily to
include the children in any planning and decision-making about important
things going on in the family. This means it may be worth trying to
involve the children in at least one session of any marriage preparation.
Even more, it means taking great care when trying to work out how children
might be involved on the wedding day itself. They may be worried that
to get involved will make it appear to their other parent that they
are now taking sides. On the other hand, they may regret it for many
years if they are not included or if they are left in the background
on their parent's wedding day.
© Churches Together for Families, 2001-2002
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