Chapter 1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7

Chapter Four

Good Practice in Marriage Preparation

Clergy in general seem to think that marriage preparation is important, that they should do more of it or be better at it, that there is not enough time, and that sometimes it is too difficult to get couples together. There is some confusion about what it is and what it achieves. Frequently expressed emotions are guilt and inadequacy and some fear that their own marriage might be on show in a way which does not feel comfortable. There is also quite a lot of negative feeling to the point of anger about 'being used' by couples (or her mother), to do the job without reference to the priestly role or Christian principles. All of these difficulties may remain and be exacerbated by the added ingredient of a second marriage and existing children.

At its simplest, marriage preparation should give an opportunity for the couple to say what they are expecting from you and to understand what they are giving to each other, and for you to explain what you have to give in ways which truly bless their best intentions.

It is important to consider what time you have available and how many couples you are going to see in order to plan the number of sessions required and whether these are to be groups or just one couple at a time.

What is your purpose in marriage preparation?

To help them to understand their relationship?
To offer them a context for Christian marriage?
To enable them to face particular issues in their relationship?
To build bridges between them and the Church?
To plan details of the wedding day?
To show the Church's continuing interest?
To help them understand the vows they will make?
To explore their expectations for the future?
To encourage good communication?

Make your own list of what you are trying to achieve.

What topics might you include to achieve your purpose?

Print this page out and put a tick in the appropriate column. For YOU, is this a 'must do', a 'like to do', a 'would do if I had the time' or a 'not my job'?

	Must do	Like to do	Would do	Not me
Family history
Personal interests and hobbies
Reasons for choosing each other
What will I get out of being married
Shared and non-shared activities
Being separate and married
Fulfilling sexuality
Sexual problems and issues
Are children part of the dream?
Attitudes to sub-fertility, adoption, etc.
Family planning
Nurture of children
Letting go of former loves
The place of parents and in-laws
How important is fidelity - what does it mean?
Reality of promises - for better, for worse
Coping with problems - illness, unemployment, etc.
Career hopes and plans (his and hers)
Religious background, understanding and practice
Attitudes to death
Attitudes to money - budgets, saving, earning and spending
Sharing time, skills and resources within the community
Boundaries of hospitality
Who does what in the home - gender roles
Dealing with conflict
Expressing emotions

Additional topics which might apply to stepfamilies

What do the children think?
Where will they be living?
How do they retain contact with their other parents and families?
Discipline issues
Holidays and family events
Endings and beginnings

What is the best way to achieve this?

There is no 'right' way. We all have to think through what is possible for us in our individual situation. Some clergy with many marriages to conduct gather couples in groups. Others share the work with teams of lay people. Some offer a series of evening sessions, with or without visiting speakers. Some offer the same thing as a full-day event. Some operate as individual churches, others co-operate with neighbours of their own or other denominations.

Let us be practical. Look back at the things you ticked as essential or desirable on the list just now, and think through how long it would take to cover those topics. Do they fulfill the purposes you decided on earlier? Be realistic, not idealistic. What time can you or others actually give? What can you genuinely do in that time? Do you need any help, and who might be able to give it? If you feel this is an important part of your work, will it involve changing priorities to make it happen as you would wish? Will stepmarriages make even more demands on preparation time? It may be a second marriage, but no one wants it to be second-rate, second-class or second-best.

What resources do I need?

All you need are time and people. However, there are many published resources and web sites which might encourage and stimulate you. We have included many of them on this web site.

Most Church of England Dioceses have a Family Life or FLAME officer, who will offer advice as to what is available. The national FLAME address is CSR, Robert Runcie House, 60 Marsham Street, Maidstone, Kent ME14 1EW. Many Roman Catholic dioceses also have Family Life Officers. The Methodist Church has Training and Development Officers.

Points to remember for marriage and marriage preparation

Remember the relationship rule. No relationship will flourish unless both you and they get something from it. They will not come back if they do not feel wanted as they are. You will not feel good about what you do unless you achieve something in terms of your ministry.
There are as many ways of achieving good marriage preparation as there are of achieving good marriages. As in marriage, your course will be determined to some extent by the skills, strengths and weaknesses brought by you and your team. As with any marriage, your course will not be perfect, but keep your vision clear - it will give you strength.
Be realistic and aim for a good enough result. Think what you would like to achieve, think about how much time you have available. Use the time available to achieve the possible.
As in marriage, there are no guarantees that it will work or that we will be good at it. We can, however, make an informed guess if the ingredients seem right. We should go ahead in faith.
If you have not got all the resources, or need help, ask!

This is not a relationship based on taking others and making them into different people ('aisle altar hymn'). It is one based on accepting the other, warts and all. If couples come with an inadequate or apparently non-existent faith, this is not the time for conversion. We must go out to meet them where they are. We can help or hinder God's timing.

The flow chart provides a useful way to think through your own practice (the flow chart is a graphical image that is 90kb in size, so it will take a moment or two to download into your browser).