Chapter Six
A Pastoral Response to Stepfamilies
Whether or not you are involved in marrying people who have children
from previous relationships, you are likely to have stepfamilies represented
in the life of your church. It is worth restating a few points where sensitivity
or help may be required.
Sensitivity
No two families are the same. Stepfamilies come in all kinds of shapes
and sizes - as do other families! This means it is helpful not to use
the word 'family' as if it only had one definition. When families are
described, quoted or prayed about, be inclusive.
Who is part of the family today?
If a stepfamily is involved in the life of the church, you cannot take
for granted which members are likely to be around on any particular occasion.
Weekends, holidays or festivals - which are often great family celebrations
in church life - may be times when children in a stepfamily go and stay
with their other parent. This means they will not be there for your church
event. It can also mean that the parents who are there will be very conscious
of their children's absence.
Grandparents
Many congregations contain older adults whose children's marriages have
ended. When new stepfamilies are formed, grandparents often lose contact
with their grandchildren, or are offered much less access to them. This
can be a cause of great pain, as the grandparent/grandchild relationship
is often very special.
Contact centres
Some churches run contact centres, providing somewhere for divorced parents
to meet with their children. If a non-custodial parent lives a long way
from the children and has to travel in order to see them, there are limits
to how this very special time can be spent. It is not good (and often
not financially possible) for every such visit to be a trip to the zoo
or cinema. Something a little more low-key is useful. Contact centres
can provide this. The supervision they offer means that the custodial
parent is able to leave their child safely. Demands on those who staff
such centres can be considerable - emotions can run high in relationships
between ex-spouses and over arrangements concerning children!
Parenting courses and groups
Some churches run groups or courses for parents, giving them an opportunity
to meet other parents, share experiences and improve their parenting
skills. Step-parents may find these particularly helpful - and their experience
may help other parents.
Parenting course resource material includes:
Noughts to Sixes?
Fives to Fifteens?
Parenting Teenagers
Parent Assertiveness Programme
Parenting and Sex
Growing in love
Couple Alive
Young Adult Programme
Available from the Family Caring Trust, 8 Ashtree Enterprise Park, Newry,
Co. Down BT34 1BY Tel: 01693 64174.
Studies of remarriage suggest that:
- Individuals begin second marriages without the idealized image of marriage
that many of them had when they married for the first time.
- Previously married partners have a better understanding of themselves
and of what they expect of a marriage partner than when they married
the first time.
- Partners prepared to cope with the difficulty of marrying again will
invest more in making the marriage work.
- Partners in second marriages generally report the same degree of marital
satisfaction as those in first marriages.
- Partners in a second marriage are less likely to deny problems when
they exist and may be more likely to anticipate them.
- Partners stay together in the first marriage for the sake of the children
and get divorced in the second marriage because of the children.
Source: Peter Chambers CME Papers
© Churches Together for Families, 2001-2002
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